Does your early morning ritual include checking out the latest “deets” and gossip on the celebrity blogs quickest with “news” —a very wide designation in this era? Does it include running down the Twitter TL of your favourite celebs to see if you missed anything, and tweeting a good morning message for good measure; knowing as you do so that you’d probably not get a reply, but recognising how much more bright your day would be if you got one? Do you retweet and favourite stuff you would ordinarily think stupid just because Rihanna or some other constantly-stoned celeb tweets it?
Do you know who’s shagging who in Tinseltown; who’s divorcing who; who’s marrying who in some secret ceremony in Abu Dhabi or Italy; which D-list celeb is involved in some “fooly-wang” or the other; what upcoming hip-hop act just got slammed for possession of marijuana, and what video vixen is getting evicted from her Beverly Hills mansion; and yet don’t know who the Senator is representing your constituency?
If you check out on these —not necessarily all —then honey, you are a Celebaholic. Welcome to your first CA (Celebaholics Anonymous) meeting.
Now in the spirit of full-disclosure I’d go first.
My name is Chiedozié. And I’m a Celebaholic. I’ve been sober for four months now.
There we have it.
For the sake of being particular a Celebaholic: [se-lee-ba-haw-lik, -hol-ik] is one who suffers from a state called Celebaholism, which is a serious disorder characterised by dependence on celebrity gist, the development of withdrawal systems from reducing or ceasing intake, voyeuristic fascination with the lives of celebrities (ranging from A-list to D-list), and decreased ability to function socially (this is true if you can’t converse for thirty minutes without bringing up celebrities, or something, however remotely, related to them.)
Celebaholism though a serious condition goes largely unnoticed today.
Why? Because over 70% —and this is an extremely modest figure — of the world’s population suffer from celebaholism, even those who would swear otherwise (there’s plenty room for a smart phone or tablet beneath a hijab, but that’s not today’s issue.)
Now let me clarify that being a fan (I hear its called “stan” these days) to some celebrity or another doesn’t make you a celebaholic ab initio. You are one when your fascination or the state of being a fan/stan becomes so integral to your life it starts to define you.
Celebaholism is a largely manageable condition. Except in extreme cases its not life-threatening (yep, you read right: LIFE-THREATENING. Ask Jodie Foster, or put a Destiny’s child fan —sorry, stan —and a Keyshia Cole (aargh!) fan in the same room. See? Fireworks!
Now I have a few theories about why folks get so fixated on celebrities and their baggage —and do they have many! The list is by no means exhaustive and y’all can brainstorm to build it via the comment box (just don’t gimme any lectures, thank you very much.)

  • I. Filling the GOD vacuum:
  • We humans are engineered to believe in something; in a higher purpose; something or someone bigger and greater than we are, from which or whom our purpose stems, and the knowledge of which/whom clarifies the order of our world.
    However, somewhere between the emergence of science and the rampage of terror waged by The Mother Church against it and those who practised it (you have to admit that at that time science must have been too similar to black magic for comfort; matter of fact it still is —sometimes) the idea of atheism became for the learned and well-read an emblem of defiance. Understandable, yes. Intelligent? Maybe. Wise…? I don’t think so.
    It’s important to note the difference between wisdom and intelligence; both terms are by no means interchangeable. I’d like to point out the difference by analogy rather than by textbook-meaning —those can be immensely limiting. In essence what I’m trying to say is you can own a Nobel Prize for any goddamn thing as well as a brain scientists would love preserved with formaldehyde and picked apart, reverently, but yet be a goddamn FOOL.
    True story. But we deviate. What I’m saying is this: believing in a higher purpose —something concerted rather than an accident —is not only important for our mental and spiritual well-being, its an undeniable part of who we are as human beings. And when we deny it, the need for God, and the fact that a prayer miraculously appears on our tongue whenever we are in trouble even though we claim to being sworn exponents of evolution and the big bang (theory), then we would look some place else for a seat-filler.
    Y’all have to admit these celebrities look larger than life on billboards (especially those animated ones), and omnipresent too. If they aren’t on the cover of your favourite magazine they are in the news somewhere or on your television screen, or someone is in your ear about them. It can be hard to escape.
    And then there’s the atmosphere of worship at music concerts and red carpet events and movie premieres: the celebrities stand atop an elevation to ululations, sonorous screams of adoration and assertions of love; the crowd jumps if they are asked, dance if they are asked, pick their noses if they are asked, thrust their hands in each others faces and chant “oh oh oh” without much prompting; and this is a wholly trusting relationship where the crowd of stans collectively relinquish control to whoever is on a pedestal looking down at them; or cordoned off —y’all over there, and US over here —beyond the reach of stans screaming and reaching out —remember the story of Jesus and the woman with the issue of blood?
    A closer focus on the whole celebrity-fan relationship and it begins to look more like lesser beings worshipping higher beings. Seat-fillers for the GOD element. End of story.

  • II. Vicarious Existence:
  • The subjects of this category need no lengthy introduction. You know this is your cadre if your life is drab and uneventful, and you fancy yourself a part of someone else’s more exciting life via print or motion. People in this category are escapists, and it’d surprise you how many of us run away from the realities of our lives in our mind.
    Not me, you might say, but don’t conclude just yet. Sleep on it.

  • III. Misplaced Sense of Competition:
  • Subjects of this category are the most dynamic of celebaholics. This category celebrates both control-freaks and folks who have inferiority complex alike.
    Believe it or not people OD’ing on celeb gossip can be a control thing or supposedly a means to achieving some sort of self worth.


    These are the people who try to control everything and everyone around them because they have a false sense of entitlement or because of in-bred insecurities. While the former distinction has a majority population of cheerleaders, athletes, and blonde class-A bitches who are usually made by the power of popularity, the latter consists mostly of people with scarred pasts. Make no mistake though, they are all mean and ruthless. And information —in this case about celebrities —is another tool with which they subjugate their pawns, making them feel deficient where they themselves are well versed, and ultimately lesser. It’s a simple principle: No one can lord themselves over you if you don’t think yourself less powerful, and governable by them.
    Y’all know what they say: knowledge is power —”knowledge” in this sense having no restrictions. If a person can be respected for being a math whiz, why not for being a celeb-news whiz?
    We are all smart people if we know what to be smart about, and trust me the prodigy who can name a hundred Hollywood hotties without batting lashes would most likely be cooler, more popular, and have more friends than the straight-A kid #TrueStory


    These people are an easily slighted, eternally angry higher specie of sheep, that are always trying to keep up —half the time with their shadow —and how best to do that in prevalent social circles that feed off celebrity culture, than with useful nuggets of info about an all-time fave or a one-hit wonder riding the crest of their one-minute of fame.
    The people in this category are either always in the background or delude themselves into thinking they are leaders of their packs. You would usually find them around control-freaks, either docile disciples or aggressive followers —but followers all the same.
    This is because this class of people have a subconscious need to have someone or a quality in sight to aspire to. To feel inferior to. And it doesn’t matter if they do it biting and scratching, or if they do it lying down. In the end they are their own worst enemy.

    And that’s a wrap for now folks! Until I think of some other well-drafted nonsense to fill your heads with: Cheerio!
    Feel free to comment.


    Add yours →

    1. I love cele gist and if that in anyway makes me a celebaholic then who cares if over 70 percent of the world population is suffering from it then It is obviously normalllll


    2. Articulate and as much as many would hate to accept, accurate. A truth well scripted with †ђε oily fluidity that Dozié is known ƒόŕ.


    3. You are brilliant! 😀 And this piece…on-point! I saw me in a few scripted places like Number 2.
      Yes, hi, I’m Walter, and I’m a celebaholic. Lol
      Nice lingo, by the way.


    4. Doziiiiii уσυ hve nailed it again brilliant as always…


    5. LOL! Brilliant. Simple. I prolly belong to the less than 20%… The only celebrity I was ever a serious fan of is dead.


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