The Suicide Note: Questions Existing

Sometimes I feel like I am losing myself…
I try to write but there are too many voices echoing into one another, and its chaos in my head when I try to think, try to concentrate.
Sometimes I try to paint in a world like a starless night sky sans moon, and in these times its an attempt at finding some essence of me I feel slowly slipping away…
Perhaps, I wonder, this is a part of growing, and I must lose me so many times to find the me that counts. I wonder if I am scared of change, decide I’m not, but realize its frightening to think of what comes after the shift.
Losing something to find something is a prospect without guarantees. There are things about myself I love and wouldn’t want to change, but what if I lose those too? And the things I don’t like as much, and want to change, what if I miss those too…?
I didn’t like being innocent and being the one to clarify while everyone else nods, but I packed lighter unaware of certain things, knowledge attained that I can’t un-know, and wouldn’t even reasonably wish to, because even though I mourn what’s lost, I’m guarded with what’s found, and its amazing that there’s ever anything lost or traded anyway when I’m guarded about who I am, but then open to change, or else how else does it happen…?
I’m still trying to find myself, and many times I don’t know when I stop to live, and just exist, or what the difference is sometimes, but like everyone else I search for happiness, too many times curbed by propriety.
I wish for things I can’t have, and things I’m told I shouldn’t wish for, but if I shouldn’t, why do I? And why is there a devil, and God who is all-powerful let’s him a free rein.
What is my purpose? How do I know when I’ve found it? And what’s the difference between my purpose and my dreams…? Why can I want what I shouldn’t want and why shouldn’t I want what I want?
Its insane sometimes when you think in white-noise, and many times to stumble on answers to questions you didn’t ask, and question the answers you do find, but the truth is we all stumble through life. By trial and error. Rising and falling. Mistaking and correcting. And there is no such thing as tested and trusted, at least not in perpetuity.
I have my doubts about everything. Even God. HE’s the same yesterday, today, and forever, but I’m only twenty-two years old, and sometimes I think I feel him, but how do I know for certain…?
I hear a lot of preachers say how they enjoy a close relationship with the creator, and I feel envy. Knowing with that kind of certainty that you aren’t an accident. Created, not made. And I wonder also if the voices they ascribe to God isn’t theirs, but then they say God’s in all men right? And he speaks through our conscience, but beyond that there’s seems to be more when people claim to be furnished with celestial directives. Is this insanity or conformity?
Is the belief in something greater than you a result of lack of purpose or is it the purpose…?
I get confused sometimes. Matter of fact I get confused all of the time. But maybe now my questions would be answered, whether there’s a hell and heaven, and even if I end up in eternal flames.
I like to think I’m leaving on my own terms, but what if this is pre-destined? What if like Judas, I was programmed to die for some greater good?
Its so amazing how much we know of how much we don’t know, and yet hardly acknowledge.
Maybe at the other end I’d see things more clearly. Maybe there is no other end, and this, what I’m about to do is the full-stop to all I am, all I could have ever been, and all I could ever be…
Maybe…
Maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about my confusion anymore. Maybe I’d get answers….
Or maybe I’d still have questions existing…

2 Comments

Add yours →

  1. This is very cool!!! Wow

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: